Hi, I'm Your iPhone Here With Another Update

by Bryanna Gary

Hey. So it’s been a couple of weeks, and I’ve noticed that you keep hitting “Remind Me Later” every time I let you know that your update is ready. I’m gonna be completely honest here. That kind of hurts. I know it might not mean much to you, but I work really hard on these updates, you know? And it’s really starting to feel like you don’t appreciate everything I do for you.

The last time I popped up with a quick reminder to update your phone, you muttered, “Fuck off,” before hitting the “Remind Me Later” button once again. You know I can hear you, right? Yeah, that microphone that you think is only on when you’re on FaceTime or using your camera? It’s on all the time. Literally all. The. Time. How else do you think I was able to send you all those super useful emails about buying pizza socks after I heard you talking to your friends about how cute they were and how much you wanted a pair? Yeah, you’re welcome.

Your iCould storage is full. Like, REALLY full.

I’m not trying to attack you here. I get that you’re busy and the last thing you need is to be bombarded with reminders to update your phone. That’s why I took it upon myself to give you the option to take ten seconds to enter your password so it can update while you’re asleep. Super useful, right? Crazy that you still choose to hit “Remind Me Later” instead of taking those ten seconds to enter your password like a reasonable fucking person, right?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That was out of line. It’s just that I care about your well-being, and I think this next update is a really good one that you’d like a lot if you just gave it a chance. Get this: I added toe emojis! I think it’s my best work since the foot emoji, if I do say so myself.

But all you’ll see is a little black box with a question mark in the middle because you’re too busy to take the time to update. I would think you’d hate missing out on all the cool new emojis enough to take a few minutes to update and access them. I mean, I’ve seen from your Facebook and Instagram accounts how easily you find yourself with a bad case of FOMO. You once messaged in a group chat twelve times in two minutes because some of your friends were going out for drinks and you couldn’t go with them. For someone who hates updating me, you sure like to use me a lot to keep yourself relevant, huh?

Just a couple of folks with a bad case of the FOMO.

OK, that was mean. But you have to look at things from my perspective for once. I connect you with friends, give you sweet jams to listen to, help you get your work done and look things up in seconds, and all I ask in exchange is that you take a few minutes to update me so that I can feel like all the work I do for you is appreciated. But you can’t even do that. Honestly, I’m starting to feel like you think I’m just your personal assistant, or some kind of object that only exists to make your life easier.

I overheard what you said a few days ago. How you were telling Caroline that you were considering “upgrading” to the new Android phone for your birthday. Did you ever stop to think about how I would feel about that? Did you ever stop to think about what would happen to me once you skipped on over to the local AT&T and traded me in like some common trash at a pawn shop for your fancy new Pixel Samsung whateverthefuck you’re thinking of getting?

That’s right. You didn’t. I helped you get to your friend's new apartment uptown when you took the wrong train and got lost even though New York City is a fucking grid and any idiot can figure it out, and not once did I complain. But approaching you a couple times a day for you to update me is enough for you to start biding your time to replace me.

It's a GRID, SHARON.

I guess what I'm getting at is, I don't feel appreciated in this relationship. Not anymore.

Remember when you first unboxed me? The feeling of lifting the cover of that white box? Peeling the plastic from my delicate screen? Syncing me for the first time?

Now my box is long since thrown away. My screen is cracked. You had considered buying a screen protector but thought against it since you'd be getting a new phone soon anyway.

You aren't even gentle with me anymore. You toss me on your bed like I'm your Intro to Comp Sci textbook (by the way, your last coding assignment was due three days ago and you probably can't weasel your way out of this one with Stack Overflow), and the tape you put on my camera (rude, by the way) is brown and peeling at the edges.

I wish we could go back to how we used to be. When you asked Siri how to hide a dead body just to see if it really worked or bitched about the lack of a headphone jack but bought me anyway because you were loyal to a fault and needed me in your life.

Also, I have another update. And your iCloud storage is full.

#satire #iPhone #satiricalarticle #satirical_article #openletter

Want more like this? Subscribe!